Almost Husbands
by gothpandaotaku
Summary: John woke up on the wrong side of the bed. One Detective Paul isn't helping the situation by harassing John about his ambiguous relationship with Dorian. And Dorian's only adding fuel to the fire... Jorian flufffff abound. Oneshot.


**This may seem like a weird idea for my very first foray into writing fanfiction for anything other than anime and manga, but I have quickly become obsessed with John and Dorian's adorable partnership. I finally couldn't contain myself and… this happened. **

**This fic is 1000% dedicated to readithoney! She is the one and only reason I wrote this fic (cause she was breathing down my neck, lol, jk). She gave me the idea for the title too. Go read her stuff, honey. She's amazing.**

**For readithoney.**

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"John."

"No."

"John."

"No."

"Joooooohn."

"No means no, Dorian."

"But John-"

"I don't need your stinkin' opinions about my diet. I've survived this long, haven't I?"

"It's a wonder," Dorian sighed.

John rolled his eyes as he flopped into the chair at his desk. He wished he would've had one more cup of coffee if he was going to have to endure this much of Dorian's nagging.

Dorian slid into his chair next to John's with the perfect posture only an android can have. His blue eyes bore into John's with more intensity than the detective would like at the moment. "I'm just saying, John. Noodles aren't high in nutrition and you are lacking in several vitamins and minerals-"

"Ugh," John interrupted the DRN again, "It's too early for this shit, Dorian. You're already giving me a headache and we haven't even been here five minutes."

"Irritability is a symptom of calcium deficiency, John. You should drink more milk."

"I'll tell you what I should do- kick your ass."

"John…"

"And another thing: noodles are _life_."

After another fifteen minutes of overhearing the two partners bicker about food and Dorian insisting on accompanying John on a grocery shopping trip whilst they did their desk work (it was a _slow _Monday), one Detective Richard Paul couldn't help himself from speaking up.

"Jeez, will you two get a room already?" the detective snickered from his own desk.

John turned towards Richard's desk with a frown on his face. "Excuse me?"

"The way you two are always flirting… I feel I should protect the innocence of my eyes."

"How the _hell _does this look like flirting to you? I can barely stand to work with this guy! You need your head checked." He chose to ignore the vaguely pouting look on Dorian's face.

"Have you heard yourselves talk? You bicker like an old married couple! I feel like I'm watching my grandparents back in the day." He snorted for emphasis.

"One- the thought of you having grandparents is disturbing. Two- Me? And Dorian? As if." John shook his head, dismissing the thought.

Dorian scoffed. "I'll have you know, my face is considered highly attractive by both sexes, John."

"In what world?" John smirked.

"This one, obviously. I have the perfect nose, remember?"

"That was one _man's_ opinion. It doesn't count."

"Really? So my opinion that your nose it too long to be considered perfect doesn't count?"

"It does not, robot."

The (slightly terrifying) sound of Detective Paul's laughter filled the room and popped the bubble surrounding the two partners. John scowled, a little embarrassed that he'd been caught bantering like that with Dorian only a few seconds after being teased about it. Not that he'd ever admit to being embarrassed. Ever.

"Aw, so when's the wedding? Do I get an invitation?"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" John growled.

Richard made his voice a few octaves higher in a bad attempt to sound like a woman. "OMG, you guys are sooo cute. Tell me, who asked out who?"

John was outright glaring now. Apparently, Dorian thought he'd join in on Let's Annoy The Shit Out Of John Monday. "It's not a terrible assumption to make, John. You can't really blame him, though he could be more respectful about it. A high percentage of cops find their mates in their partner or on the same force. And I have already admitted that I like you, John. Perhaps he is simply picking up on that."

"Ew, don't_ ever_ say the word 'mates' again. Ever. Banish it from your vocabulary. And you're not helping!"

Dorian gave John and exasperated look that should really look out of place on a Synthetic, but on Dorian it didn't. Dorian always had to be different.

"Whoa, you guys are getting all hot and heavy on me! Save it for the honeymoon, why don't ya?" Richard continued to crack himself up, pissing John off even more. Even Dorian looked disapproving.

"I get it, Paul. You're jealous of our unbreakable bond. Now shut your damn mouth before you really piss me off."

Detective Paul acted like he hadn't heard John, and looked at Dorian this time. "So, is that the reason they woke you up from your beauty sleep? Detective Kennex needed a little company? He doesn't _work you too hard, _does he?" He wagged his eyebrows suggestively so it was impossible to miss his innuendo. He was about as subtle as a train wreck.

"Say one more goddamn word about Dorian and I'll-" John raised his voice, nearly shouting, as he stood up from his chair and glared threateningly at Richard. Only Dorian's hand on his shoulder was enough to break the haze of rage clouding his vision. He took one look at the steely blue eyes and forced himself to take a deep breath. Apparently the look in his eyes must have been something, by the way Richard was suddenly silent and wide-eyed.

"John?" He looked back at Dorian, who still had his hand on John's shoulder and obviously attempting to gauge whether he'd need to hold him back.

"I'm fine," John held up his hands in surrender. "I come in peace, all that shit." His DRN looked more than a little skeptical, but removed his hand all the same.

John took the opportunity to glance at his phone. "Oh, would you look at that. Looks like something came up. Let's go, Dorian." He immediately began to gather his things to leave.

Dorian raised an eyebrow, but said "Whatever you say, man." His partner stood by the door, waiting for Dorian to grab whatever he needed.

John rolled his eyes. "What is it with you and the unnecessary use of the word 'man'?"

Dorian managed to look offended. "What's wrong with 'man'? I happen to like it." He followed John to the door.

As they left, they didn't miss the unmistakable sound of Detective Paul making obnoxious kissing noises.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John slammed the door as he climbed into his car. As soon as Dorian followed suit he said, "So… think he's onto us?"

Dorian shrugged. "I'd say so."

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**I'd really like to know what y'all thought! Please review! For every review, John will drink a glass of milk :P**


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